The Big Big Big Honeycomb Movie We Need!

The Big Big Big Honeycomb Movie We Need!

For some reason a friend of mine e-mailed me this commercial. At first, I was amused. “Oh” I thought, “Look at that craziness from my childhood. Funny!” But then I got to really thinking about it, putting on the scuba gear for the brain-sea and took a deep dive.

First, as all things on TV, this must have begun with a room full of people, probably wearing suits and absently rubbing their noses wondering when would be a good time to excuse themselves to go to the bathroom and take a close look, nose first, in the mirror.

JIM THE EXEC: We have to elevate this product to the level of our arch rival, Honey Nut Cheerios!

DON THE EXEC: What does it have going for it?

JIM: Well, it’s basically sugar filled Styrofoam. But there's got to be something more!

(Pause. Don rubs his nose)

DON: They are big.

JIM: Yeah?

DON: Yeah.

JIM: Yeah!

(Pause. Jim rubs his nose.)

JIM: And?

DON: They’re not small.

JIM: No? No. No! They are not! Great job Don! Now go snooker the secretary!

 Hey suits, you totally forgot that this is packed with 10 (count 'em)!  10 essential vitamins and minerals!

Hey suits, you totally forgot that this is packed with 10 (count 'em)!  10 essential vitamins and minerals!

But let's take a closer look at the plot. Big Bad Mo The Motorcycle Maniac, a motorcycle riding Viking suddenly has a big hunger. So how does he possibly solve this? He raids a kids’ clubhouse. Because as any fully grown, bully Viking knows, the good shit is kept in a backyard, treehouse.

 "Holy Honeycomb! Why is a giant viking invading our clubhouse!"

"Holy Honeycomb! Why is a giant viking invading our clubhouse!"

But there’s a twist! When Big Bad Mo barges in, our 12-year-old heroes, who despite pissing themselves, offer up the only sacrifice they have – honeycombs. Truthfully, that’s not all they have.  They also have the gift of song. And (as far as I can tell) a sentient robot, whose main process seems to be “if fear than freak the fuck out!” With these three elements, the Honeycomb Gang lulls the mean-spirited Viking giant into friendship and, I assume, they all live happily ever after stuffing their faces with Honeycomb day and night.

 "I am a robot. I experience fear. I am a robot. I wish I could experience love."

"I am a robot. I experience fear. I am a robot. I wish I could experience love."

Which all leads to the point: When will this be a movie?

Imagine it - the Honeycomb Gang must save their clubhouse from being torn down so that a mall can be built in its place. And Maurice Moneyton is a Scooby-Doo type real estate mongrel mogul, dressing up as Big Bad Mo, The Motorcycle Maniac to scare off the kids! But sugar-powered with Honeycombs and friendship, the Honeycomb Gang face their fears to save the day…and the clubhouse!

And lo, the subplots! Maybe the Honeycomb Nerd Kid is the estranged son of Big Bad Mo and in the end Big Bad Mo sees the value of brains over brawn when he discovers his son created a sentient robot that could change the world more than any mall could! And the Honeycomb Girl uncovers her own strength as the only girl in a boys’ club as she’s the first to stand up to Big Bad Mo! And the Honeycomb Jock finds out he’s more than a muscled dum-dum when it’s he who comes up with the Honeycomb jingle that ultimately saves them all!

You know, a real retro ‘90’s throwback plot that pays homage to an ‘80’s commercial with references to ‘70’s weed-smoking, talking dog cartoon. In short, it has everything!

I should admit that I still really like Honeycombs. It’s my Dos Equis of cereal. I don’t eat a lot of cereal, but when I do, I make it honeycomb.

 Hey kid, I bet you can't eat this whole box in under a minute.

Hey kid, I bet you can't eat this whole box in under a minute.

One more thing about the commercial, in the Honeycomb world, if big is equal to better, than why are the bad guys big, evil guys and the good guys are small children? Don Draper what are you doing to this metaphor!?  And if you really want to follow the rail trail cocaine, look no further than the next Honeycomb mascot, The Craving!

 "SUGAR IS WHITE DEATH KIDS! WHITE MOTHER FUCKIN' DEATH!

"SUGAR IS WHITE DEATH KIDS! WHITE MOTHER FUCKIN' DEATH!

The Craptaculus Week August 28, 2017

The Craptaculus Week August 28, 2017

Force Predictions Episode I: Star Wars Episode VIII The Last Jedi

Force Predictions Episode I: Star Wars Episode VIII The Last Jedi